Dialogs (continued)
7. [Someone who wants “reward money” tips off the police to look at
the McCray house for Bink.]
FBI agent: Your name’s McCray? We’re looking for a missing child.
Mrs. McCray: These are my kids.
FBI agent: Mind if we take a look? [They look around, but Bink is not
there. Laraine sees McCray’s baby boy.]
Laraine: You have a beautiful little boy.
Mrs. McCray: Thank you, ma’am. I’ll pray he comes back to you. These
kids are all I’ve got, so I know how I’d feel if I was in your place.
Laraine: I hope you never are, for your children’s sake.
FBI Agent Grissom: Sorry we inconvenienced you.
Bennington: I’m sorry too.
Mrs. McCray: Sir, I believe in my heart that Someone somewhere watches
over the babies.
Bennington: Yes, I hope so.
8. [Back at their mansion]
Laraine: This morning, all I wanted was my baby's picture in the
paper. I got my wish. [She shows her husband Bink’s picture in the
newspaper, next to a headline about his abduction and ransom.]
9. [After a visit to the zoo, Bink goes to a park, where a lady asks
“Where’s your mommy?” She looks up, and another woman is smiling, so they
both assume Bink belongs to the other woman. The kidnappers often get close,
but something always happens and they lose Bink again. At one point, Bink is
in reach, but then he crawls through a water/storm drain pipe.]
Norby: Where’d he go?
Eddie: He went down a rabbit hole.
Veeko: Careful! Don’t let those rabbits chew your face off.
Eddie [after looking through the pipe, which goes under the road]: No
problem, fellas. It ain’t a hole, it’s a tunnel. And what’s every tunnel
got?
Norby: Ooh! Don't tell me! I know, I know, I know. It's uh, uh, uh...
Veeko: Toll booth at the end.
Eddie: Are you always this stupid, or do you do this just to annoy me?
A tunnel has two ends…
[They go to the other end, and pick up Bink. But just then, police
officers find their van, which is running with no one in it. The kidnappers
sit on a park bench, hiding the baby under Eddie’s coat. Then, as the
officers come and talk to the guys, Bink grabs Eddie’s “private parts” and
eventually starts playing with Eddie’s lighter, which makes his pants catch
fire.]
Officer: Do you know anything about that vehicle? You left the engine
running?
Eddie: Yes. I’ve been having battery trouble. We just stopped by to
admire the beautiful flowers.
Officer: Have you guys seen a baby around here? There’s been a
kidnapping.
Eddie: The park is full of babies. If we see anything, we’ll be sure
to notify…the police. [As the police leave, he says to Norby] Walk ‘em to
the car. My entire reproductive system is about to go up in flames!...I have
a frog in my throat and a brush fire in my undershorts. Get ‘em outta here.
[i.e., Get them out of here.]
Office [smelling the air]: You sure can tell summer’s here. People got
those barbecues goin’.
Norby: Smells great doesn’t it. Come on, let’s go move the van…
[When they get back, Eddie's pants are on fire, and Veeko stomps on
his groin—which would be very painful!—to put out the fire; meanwhile, Bink
has crawled away again.]
Veeko: That's how you put out campfires.
Eddie: Is that... a fact?
Veeko: Used to do it in boy scouts.
Eddie: You toasted your marshmallows... over a pile of flaming gonads?
Veeko: We usually used logs.
10. [The next place is a construction site. Bink sees food on a metal
girder, and while he is getting it the girder is lifted high up into the
unfinished building. Of course, the kidnappers follow, and suffer greatly
for it!]
Eddie: That’s it! No mercy! This ain't no nursery-school battle of
wits anymore. This is my five foot, ten inches of guile, gut, and gristle,
versus your two and a half feet of goo-goos, ga-gas, and giggles.
[slips on the floor, but climbs up again] If the Milwaukee Mob couldn't
kill me, no milk-puking little thumb-sucker's got a candle's chance in a
cyclone of getting the better of me!
[After more grief, the “closing” whistle blows, and all the workers
leave the construction site. The kidnappers are still there, and Baby Bink
crawls away again. One worker sees him and looks puzzled]
Hard Hat #1: What?
Hard Hat #2: I thought I saw a baby crawl around the corner.
Hard Hat #1: Good night, Donald.
11. FBI Agent Grissom [at the Cotwell mansion]: We got some news. I don’t
know if it’s good, but it’s not bad. Since the media broke the story,
calls have come in. There was a report of a man looking for a baby on a bus
this morning. A baby missing from a department store care center. Another,
at three o’clock, at the zoo. Shortly after that at a downtown park. And a
final report not long ago at…
Nanny Gilbertine: A building under construction.
Grissom: Yeah, that’s right.
Nanny: He’s doing everything in the book. [She thinks for a moment,
then starts to quote Bink’s Boo Boo book.] I know where he is! “Before
returning home for supper, Nanny and Baby Boo stopped at the Old Soldiers’
Home to visit Mr. Tinsel.”
12. [Sure enough, he was at the Old Soldiers’ Home. As they drive away, Bink
points at the clock where the kidnappers had taken him, because he misses
his Boo Boo (book), which is still there.]
Laraine: Was there a ticktock in his book?
Nanny: No.
Laraine: Well, he’s pointing to… his boo-boo. He’s not pointing at the
ticktock. He wants his boo-boo.
Grissom: I thought he was getting a new boo-boo.
Laraine: He means his boo-boo’s back there. That’s where he’s been.
Grissom: Radio Rogers and McCluskey. Tell them to turn around. We’re
going back to the tick-tock to get the boo-boo. And send for backup. [Soon,
you see a dozen police cars heading for the kidnappers’ apartment.]
13. [the villains have returned to their apartment after chasing Baby Bink
all day long; they are bandaging their wounds…]
Norby: Hey, Eddie, you sure you don't wanna go check to see if they
left the money?
Eddie [sarcastically]: Oh, that's a good idea. We get the living hell
torn out of us by a baby! Three fully-grown men versus 15 pounds of pink
flesh with a mouth! Now, what chance do you think we got of strolling into
that alley and coming out with anything less than 140 years in prison? No,
thank you! This is a hexed situation, we walk away while we're still
ahead.
Veeko: We took a licking and kept on ticking.
Eddie: We go back to banks. Dealing with grown-ups, and I want no
kiddie stuff.
Norby: We did all right with banks.
Veeko: Or a convenience store once in a while, keeps things
interesting.
Eddie: Well, you know one thing I learned from this: I ain't never
gonna have any kids of my own.
Norby: Ha, yeah! Seeing as you burnt down the only tree in your
forest, I ain't worrying about that.
[Norby and Veeko laugh, and give each other high-fives]
Eddie: Why don't you shut up? I don't wanna ever hear another word
about that rotten, snake-bit baby! [Baby Bink's giggle is heard from
the microphone outside] …He’s back...
FBI Agent Grissom [calling up to the kidnappers, through a speaker]:
You're surrounded! Throw down the boo-boo and put your hands over your
heads!
